It's weird... I don't think I realized how much I talk to him. It's been over 36 hours since I've seen his face, and I still remember the look of guilt and hurt he had. He kept apologizing. I still don't understand why he felt the need to apologize. We both knew that the moment would come when we could no longer have the relationship we'd always had. I was as much of a part of this as he was. I can't fault him for needing to move forward with someone who loves him.
Like I said, I knew he was feeling guilty, and that I was mad or upset with him. I had to let him know that I wasn't upset, and that I was thankful to him for giving me a chance to find someone and love them for real. I messaged him and told him this late last night. Wouldn't you know? I was right. He'd been struggling with the thought of me being angry with him! I also told him that I wouldn't be talking to him for a while. It bothered him a little, but he understood. It was so difficult to say goodbye like that. A real, final goodbye.
Of course I shed a few tears. I cry a lot these days and mostly in secret. I'm sure the world wonders if I'm ever sad. I run around with a smile on my face 90% of the time I'm in public. The career path I've chosen has taught me to fake being happy so well. I love and hate that. Right now I hate it, because I don't want to fake it. I just want to be me and show the world that I hurt sometimes. And as much as I love being around people, I definitely don't want to be around any right now, unless they just want to sit and watch a movie. I'm done talking. I need a break from caring about everyone else.
I know I sound overly dramatic about all of this. A lot of you are probably thinking, "SL, you guys never really were together. Heck, you lived in different states! If you added up the hours you spent face-to-face with each other, it's equal to a good night's rest." Yup, you're right. We didn't spend a lot of time together in that way, but I allowed someone into my innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, and desires. We both did. To have to give that person up is probably the hardest thing I'll ever do. It's time I stop dwelling on it. Time I start a new life for myself. No huge outward changes, but I'll definitely be changing on the inside. I can't wait to find out on my own what kind of a person I am.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Background plus Day 1
You know that one person that makes you feel absolutely perfect? You know, that guy that you say to yourself, "If circumstances were different, we'd live happily ever after." Now, what if you know he loved you back. That he said the same thing to himself about you. You're probably thinking, "If you both love each other, change the circumstances. You have to fight for love." Trust me, we've tried. He looked for jobs to be closer to me. I honestly can't move away from my home right now. I want to try something new, but my heart wouldn't be ok if I wasn't in Indiana.
So we've made it clear that he and I can't be together. Now imagine that you still love each other. That you talk to each other almost everyday. That you both are dating other people, but still talk to each other like you love each other. I know, you're thinking, "SL (that's me), isn't that kind of cheating? What about those people you guys are dating? Don't they deserve better than to play second fiddle to someone you can't really be with?" You're right, they deserved a lot better. Those guys I dated weren't getting all of my love or attention. I was comparing them to my special person. The girl he's been dating for a long period of time is nice, treats him better than I think I ever could. I was jealous that she could be there with him and I couldn't, but I knew that she would be able to make him happy.
You're probably wondering, "SL, did you and this special guy ever... you know... do stuff together?" I'd be lying if I said that we hadn't. What little time we have spent together was the most perfect time I've ever had. We fit together like 2 puzzle pieces. I'm not going to go into detail, because I think it's rude to discuss exactly what happened, but I can say that we were always in public places with other people around.
Ok, so I think you have enough background. Here comes the other part: Yesterday, he came to visit. We had lunch, talked, went to the movies, and talked some more. Come to find out, he's proposing to said girlfriend very soon. As soon as he told me that, I knew I was going to have to step back and let him really build the relationship with her that she deserves. I also knew that would be the last time I would see him. He felt awful for having to tell me, but I kept a brave face on. He was NOT going to see me cry.
After he dropped me off at my vehicle with a hug and kiss goodbye, I started slowly realizing that my first love was really gone. Sure, I'd hear about the wedding through facebook. And every now and then we'll catch up. But I can't go to him with everything anymore. I have to learn to let go. I've already stopped myself from texting him once or twice.
The good part of all of this: I can finally move on. I can live my life without the "what ifs" that include him in them. I can learn to love someone else with my whole heart. I'll always be measuring every man up to my first love. I feel bad, but it's going to happen. I will never stop loving the one person who could make me feel beautiful and sexy or call bull shit on my lies. The person that knows me better than I know myself. The person that told me just before he left, "You won't find the right man for you until you get out of Indiana and stop believing that you have to rely on having a man."
Today is the day after his last visit. I had a cry about it last night. My best friend talked with me about it for a while. She gave me all kinds of amazing advice that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I've resigned myself to dealing with this pain that I feel. I can't hide it or push it away. I've got to face it so I can learn to really move on. This is going to take time. Lots of time. I'll be writing a little when I have something to say. This is more of a therapy for me, but if someone gets something from it, I'm glad to help.
First song of the day: "Wheel of the World" - Carrie Underwood
So we've made it clear that he and I can't be together. Now imagine that you still love each other. That you talk to each other almost everyday. That you both are dating other people, but still talk to each other like you love each other. I know, you're thinking, "SL (that's me), isn't that kind of cheating? What about those people you guys are dating? Don't they deserve better than to play second fiddle to someone you can't really be with?" You're right, they deserved a lot better. Those guys I dated weren't getting all of my love or attention. I was comparing them to my special person. The girl he's been dating for a long period of time is nice, treats him better than I think I ever could. I was jealous that she could be there with him and I couldn't, but I knew that she would be able to make him happy.
You're probably wondering, "SL, did you and this special guy ever... you know... do stuff together?" I'd be lying if I said that we hadn't. What little time we have spent together was the most perfect time I've ever had. We fit together like 2 puzzle pieces. I'm not going to go into detail, because I think it's rude to discuss exactly what happened, but I can say that we were always in public places with other people around.
Ok, so I think you have enough background. Here comes the other part: Yesterday, he came to visit. We had lunch, talked, went to the movies, and talked some more. Come to find out, he's proposing to said girlfriend very soon. As soon as he told me that, I knew I was going to have to step back and let him really build the relationship with her that she deserves. I also knew that would be the last time I would see him. He felt awful for having to tell me, but I kept a brave face on. He was NOT going to see me cry.
After he dropped me off at my vehicle with a hug and kiss goodbye, I started slowly realizing that my first love was really gone. Sure, I'd hear about the wedding through facebook. And every now and then we'll catch up. But I can't go to him with everything anymore. I have to learn to let go. I've already stopped myself from texting him once or twice.
The good part of all of this: I can finally move on. I can live my life without the "what ifs" that include him in them. I can learn to love someone else with my whole heart. I'll always be measuring every man up to my first love. I feel bad, but it's going to happen. I will never stop loving the one person who could make me feel beautiful and sexy or call bull shit on my lies. The person that knows me better than I know myself. The person that told me just before he left, "You won't find the right man for you until you get out of Indiana and stop believing that you have to rely on having a man."
Today is the day after his last visit. I had a cry about it last night. My best friend talked with me about it for a while. She gave me all kinds of amazing advice that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I've resigned myself to dealing with this pain that I feel. I can't hide it or push it away. I've got to face it so I can learn to really move on. This is going to take time. Lots of time. I'll be writing a little when I have something to say. This is more of a therapy for me, but if someone gets something from it, I'm glad to help.
First song of the day: "Wheel of the World" - Carrie Underwood
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