Stopping Communication

It's weird... I don't think I realized how much I talk to him.  It's been over 36 hours since I've seen his face, and I still remember the look of guilt and hurt he had.  He kept apologizing.  I still don't understand why he felt the need to apologize.  We both knew that the moment would come when we could no longer have the relationship we'd always had.  I was as much of a part of this as he was.  I can't fault him for needing to move forward with someone who loves him.

Like I said, I knew he was feeling guilty, and that I was mad or upset with him.  I had to let him know that I wasn't upset, and that I was thankful to him for giving me a chance to find someone and love them for real.  I messaged him and told him this late last night.  Wouldn't you know? I was right.  He'd been struggling with the thought of me being angry with him!  I also told him that I wouldn't be talking to him for a while.  It bothered him a little, but he understood.  It was so difficult to say goodbye like that.  A real, final goodbye.

Of course I shed a few tears. I cry a lot these days and mostly in secret.  I'm sure the world wonders if I'm ever sad.  I run around with a smile on my face 90% of the time I'm in public.  The career path I've chosen has taught me to fake being happy so well.  I love and hate that.  Right now I hate it, because I don't want to fake it.  I just want to be me and show the world that I hurt sometimes.  And as much as I love being around people, I definitely don't want to be around any right now, unless they just want to sit and watch a movie.  I'm done talking.  I need a break from caring about everyone else.

I know I sound overly dramatic about all of this.  A lot of you are probably thinking, "SL, you guys never really were together.  Heck, you lived in different states!  If you added up the hours you spent face-to-face with each other, it's equal to a good night's rest."  Yup, you're right.  We didn't spend a lot of time together in that way, but I allowed someone into my innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, and desires.  We both did.  To have to give that person up is probably the hardest thing I'll ever do.  It's time I stop dwelling on it.  Time I start a new life for myself.  No huge outward changes, but I'll definitely be changing on the inside.  I can't wait to find out on my own what kind of a person I am.