It's been a few days, and things have gone exactly the way they should. The ex I mentioned is no longer in my life, and I'm keeping it that way. My roommate's love life has taken off, so we're going to be in a bit of a role reversal for a while. Yes, I'll still be talking to guys and looking for the right person, but it's never going to be like it was. It's going to take me a while before I fall hard for someone.
Funny story: not 10 minutes after I saw my ex for the last time to pick up my scarf from him, I got a text from a guy friend telling me how much he missed me. We will call him "M" for now. Well, M and I met at a conference out of town almost 2 years ago. We had an amazing night together the last night of the conference. Danced the night away and tried to sneak off, but my amazing friends wouldn't let me out of their sight. At the end of the night, we exchanged phone numbers and have been talking ever since. There has always been a high level of attraction in our friendship. We have gotten to know each other on a personal level through music and sports mostly.
Well, during my crazy 3-week period this late November/early December, he came for a visit. We had fun just like I knew we would, but there was something more. We were able to really open up to each other about our lives. After he went home, I didn't hear much from him until the other night. He told me that he thought about me a lot and wanted to be someone I could rely on. I am so thankful to have him for that! It's one of those things you don't expect someone to say, but when they do, it means the world to you. I'm trying to talk him in to another visit soon. I love having him here.
I know you're thinking, "SL, put the brakes on! Why do you constantly need to have a guy in your life?" Well, to be honest, I just don't do well on my own. I'm emotionally dependent in that department. It would do more harm than good for me to try and change. I am ok with the consequences of heartbreak and such.
To leave on some closing note, I'm excited to live my life in this state: rejoicing in the triumphs of others' relationships and enjoying what I can in my own life.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Loving the One That Doesnt Love You
Well, I don't even know what to think right now... The guy that I mentioned in my last post, the only other guy that I have loved, and I spent some time together Tuesday night. We did our usual Steak & Shake late night dinner. It was perfect. We sat there and talked for a while, exchanging work stories and such. It always feels right when I listen to him talk about work. I also love it when he asks what's going on at home with me and my friends. He ended up coming over to my apartment, and we watched a movie and fell asleep. Outside of that, nothing happened. He hugged me in the morning before he left, and I could tell he wanted to say something, but he wouldn't.
I spent the whole day wondering what he was thinking. To my shame, I only got out of bed for food and relieving myself. I felt caught. I felt like I was stuck waiting for him to figure out what he wanted. By the evening he texted me. Still, he wouldn't come out and tell me what he was feeling. All he could say was that he was stronger. I knew what that meant. The last time we spent the night together, he caved in and we went back to how things used to be. He let himself show me affection. Now, he's stronger. Now, he can withstand the urge to show affection.
I realize that he doesn't want us to rush in to things, but hiding how he feels from someone that loves him is a dumb move. It pushes me away to the point where I don't want a relationship. That's what I told him. He either needed to open up and start talking to me or let me move on without him. There is no middle ground where we can be friends. I've been hurting too much for that.
I feel like I did the last time we spent the night together: used, unwanted, and deserted. No more. No more letting guys, no matter how amazing they may be, walk all over me, talking me into things, and using my love against me. I'm moving forward this time. 2013 is a year of fresh starts!
Those words as I type them sound bitter, though. Still, if he were to really fight for me and our relationship, I'd try and make it work with him. I can't help it. I just love him. Maybe one day it'll get better.
I spent the whole day wondering what he was thinking. To my shame, I only got out of bed for food and relieving myself. I felt caught. I felt like I was stuck waiting for him to figure out what he wanted. By the evening he texted me. Still, he wouldn't come out and tell me what he was feeling. All he could say was that he was stronger. I knew what that meant. The last time we spent the night together, he caved in and we went back to how things used to be. He let himself show me affection. Now, he's stronger. Now, he can withstand the urge to show affection.
I realize that he doesn't want us to rush in to things, but hiding how he feels from someone that loves him is a dumb move. It pushes me away to the point where I don't want a relationship. That's what I told him. He either needed to open up and start talking to me or let me move on without him. There is no middle ground where we can be friends. I've been hurting too much for that.
I feel like I did the last time we spent the night together: used, unwanted, and deserted. No more. No more letting guys, no matter how amazing they may be, walk all over me, talking me into things, and using my love against me. I'm moving forward this time. 2013 is a year of fresh starts!
Those words as I type them sound bitter, though. Still, if he were to really fight for me and our relationship, I'd try and make it work with him. I can't help it. I just love him. Maybe one day it'll get better.
Monday, January 7, 2013
The Only Other Guy
I know I just posted, but it has been brought to my attention that I've not given fair blog space to the one guy who could have taken my first love's place: my last ex. The first I ever met as a result of online dating. He was actually the only guy given my full attention when we were together. My first love did not seem to be as important to me. Yes, he was still my friend, but this particular guy made me believe I could have the relationship I always wanted. For 2 months, he gave me that. He and I had the most amazing moments I could ever hope for. There's no one else I ever stayed up with all night watching movies on our second date. There's no one else I wanted to spend every night next to. Our relationship was so fast and quick that we didn't have the chance to develop a friendship first. We both knew that we belonged together right then and there. I was caught off-guard by how quickly I fell in love with him. Though we drifted apart and parted (the darkest time in my life), I would go back to him if he asked me to. If he could promise me that I was important in some fashion to him, I would take him then and there. He and I finally talked about what our breakup was like for us, how we miss each other now, 3 months after our breakup. The difference between him and my first love: my first love was never keep-able. This one was and is and always will be the one I CAN have. There are no circumstances keeping us apart. If he could just stop being stubborn and give us one more chance, I would be the happiest girl in the whole entire universe.
New Year
It's one week into 2013, and I believe this will be an amazing year!! I spent New Year's Eve with some of the most important people in my life. Marcus, his "stable of whores" (my roommate, both of the Saras, and myself), and 2 of my dear fraternity brothers. Of course one is my guy friend that is going through a rough time after a break up. I worry that he's filling that void with me. He ended up staying the night in my room with me. Though there was no sex, there could have been. I don't want that. I feel that would ruin our friendship. If I had been less drunk, I would've told his sober ass to go home, but an intoxicated SL needs someone to sleep with her. To hold her, kiss her, and help her fall asleep.
Of course the next day was spent with my family for my grandpa's birthday. It's tradition for our family to go down to my grandparents' house on the 1st. We played games, talked, and ate the BEST homecooked meal in the world (Roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, salad, and cole slaw). I love my family so so much! They really care about each of us, and we can be honest with each other.
The rest of the week has been filled with work, a sense of pride in our home (cleaning), and just overall happiness. I've been searching my feelings lately. I've tried to figure out where I am and what I want. I know my first love still has a hold on my heart, but so does the only ex that could ever take his place. He keeps trying to be my friend, and I think I've decided that I'd rather have him in my life in some fashion than lose him altogether like my first love. Then there's the ex that won't leave me be. He texted me this week and said he'd never give up on me. I think me telling him that he was wasting his time made a bit of an impact. I'm hoping that was enough for him to leave me be.
Lastly, I have the most amazing guy in my life right now. Someone I met through online dating that became my friend instead of something more. Well, after a few months of being friends, flirting here and there, and talking to each other about the people we'd been seeing or talking to I think we're at that point of needing each other for more than just friendship. I've started to develop feelings for him that I didn't think I would have. I worry with him being farther away that a real relationship won't be in the cards for us. I guess it'll be something we find out. I know he cares about me. He's always told me how awesome I am. And when I see him smile, it makes me smile too. He likes me for who I am. We have a lot in common, but not everything. And we care about each other equally. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm glad to have someone in my life that cares about me and talks to me everyday without the commitment of a relationship, emotional or physical.
Well, I think that's all I have for today. I'm ready to see what new things this year has in store. Good luck to the rest of you out there in the new year! Let 2013 be the best one yet!
Of course the next day was spent with my family for my grandpa's birthday. It's tradition for our family to go down to my grandparents' house on the 1st. We played games, talked, and ate the BEST homecooked meal in the world (Roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, salad, and cole slaw). I love my family so so much! They really care about each of us, and we can be honest with each other.
The rest of the week has been filled with work, a sense of pride in our home (cleaning), and just overall happiness. I've been searching my feelings lately. I've tried to figure out where I am and what I want. I know my first love still has a hold on my heart, but so does the only ex that could ever take his place. He keeps trying to be my friend, and I think I've decided that I'd rather have him in my life in some fashion than lose him altogether like my first love. Then there's the ex that won't leave me be. He texted me this week and said he'd never give up on me. I think me telling him that he was wasting his time made a bit of an impact. I'm hoping that was enough for him to leave me be.
Lastly, I have the most amazing guy in my life right now. Someone I met through online dating that became my friend instead of something more. Well, after a few months of being friends, flirting here and there, and talking to each other about the people we'd been seeing or talking to I think we're at that point of needing each other for more than just friendship. I've started to develop feelings for him that I didn't think I would have. I worry with him being farther away that a real relationship won't be in the cards for us. I guess it'll be something we find out. I know he cares about me. He's always told me how awesome I am. And when I see him smile, it makes me smile too. He likes me for who I am. We have a lot in common, but not everything. And we care about each other equally. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm glad to have someone in my life that cares about me and talks to me everyday without the commitment of a relationship, emotional or physical.
Well, I think that's all I have for today. I'm ready to see what new things this year has in store. Good luck to the rest of you out there in the new year! Let 2013 be the best one yet!
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