Well, I don't even know what to think right now... The guy that I mentioned in my last post, the only other guy that I have loved, and I spent some time together Tuesday night. We did our usual Steak & Shake late night dinner. It was perfect. We sat there and talked for a while, exchanging work stories and such. It always feels right when I listen to him talk about work. I also love it when he asks what's going on at home with me and my friends. He ended up coming over to my apartment, and we watched a movie and fell asleep. Outside of that, nothing happened. He hugged me in the morning before he left, and I could tell he wanted to say something, but he wouldn't.
I spent the whole day wondering what he was thinking. To my shame, I only got out of bed for food and relieving myself. I felt caught. I felt like I was stuck waiting for him to figure out what he wanted. By the evening he texted me. Still, he wouldn't come out and tell me what he was feeling. All he could say was that he was stronger. I knew what that meant. The last time we spent the night together, he caved in and we went back to how things used to be. He let himself show me affection. Now, he's stronger. Now, he can withstand the urge to show affection.
I realize that he doesn't want us to rush in to things, but hiding how he feels from someone that loves him is a dumb move. It pushes me away to the point where I don't want a relationship. That's what I told him. He either needed to open up and start talking to me or let me move on without him. There is no middle ground where we can be friends. I've been hurting too much for that.
I feel like I did the last time we spent the night together: used, unwanted, and deserted. No more. No more letting guys, no matter how amazing they may be, walk all over me, talking me into things, and using my love against me. I'm moving forward this time. 2013 is a year of fresh starts!
Those words as I type them sound bitter, though. Still, if he were to really fight for me and our relationship, I'd try and make it work with him. I can't help it. I just love him. Maybe one day it'll get better.
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