"Habits"

It's crazy how one conversation makes everything clear. Apparently, the awesome person my friends think I am isn't real. I guess a few wrong decisions I made earlier in my life and a couple made recently have screwed up the chance I had to be with someone I care about. I'm not trying to have a pity party, but it really sucks that someone could not want to be with me because of a few things that I'd done wrong (all of which I have been working on, because I've seen those problems on my own). Not only that, but when I have to pry the information out of him so I can see why he's been acting the way he is, it just kind of makes me a little sick. I mean, I don't like the fact that D can't have a serious conversation with me in person that lasts more than 5 seconds, but up until now that wasn't a big deal.

My "Habits"

He's known that I'm clingy since the week we met and that I've been making the effort to cool my jets since we got back together. I'm not the one who says, "It would be better if you were here," when I spend a night or 2 away from his place. I'm not the only clingy one in this relationship.

Furthermore, I know my financial situation isn't the best, but I'm doing what I can to fix that. Also, I would never want my partner to think that I expect him to just take care of that for me if we ever got married. I've not once asked him for money or anything of the sort. My finances are my problem, and I'm going to take care of them.

Lastly, I know that from the time I moved out until very recently that I've probably drank too much a few times. That's why after a couple of weeks ago, I've toned down that part of my life almost 100%. Mind you, I don't see a problem with a drink or 2 sometimes, but there definitely won't be anymore nights that end in hungover mornings.

Those 3 topics were the "habits" that D didn't like about my life. My question is why couldn't he come to me with this sooner instead of just keeping it to himself? I deserve to know what's going on. I've always been told that communication is key in any relationship. The sad part is that's what my relationship with D has always lacked through no fault of my own.

He should be someone I'm close to and who is comfortable with talking to me when he's unhappy with something, especially if it's something that involves me. The more I write this, the more I see that I'm not the only one who has "habits" that have held us back from really being together.

Good luck to D finding someone who is as supportive and understanding about his work as I am. Good luck to D finding someone who never says no when he asks for something, whether that's doing dishes, fixing dinner, running to the store, taking a movie back to the redbox, or taking care of him when he isn't feeling well. I deserve to be with someone who sees my faults and understands that I'm working through them. I deserve to be with a man who will take real control of the relationship, instead of being passive.

I just hope both of us are lucky enough to find what we're looking for, because he's made it clear that I'm not what he wants.