It's A Process

I woke up this morning feeling well-rested. Normally I don't feel this good. Part of me thinks it's just because I took that melatonin before bed and really got plenty of sleep. Another part hopes that this is the start of feeling better. The latter, I think, is just a hoax. I can't just magically feel better about myself. It's going to take time, energy, and practice. I have to just push myself. I have to decide that regardless of how I feel, I have to keep pushing. Keep moving. Keep trying. It's crazy, but I feel like I have an imaginary Dory from Finding Nemo telling me, "When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming." I have to keep going forward.

"SL, what does that mean? What is moving forward? How will that help?" Well, first of all, I think I need to literally move forward. Step out of this comfort zone that is my home. Maybe my dad was right. Maybe I need to try a new church. I've been feeling like I don't belong at my church for so long. It may just be time for me to move on. I need to find a place that encourages and provokes me to think. A place that gives me the tools to rebuild my relationship with God.

Another moving forward suggestion is not letting whatever physical sickness this is stop me from getting up, going and doing. I've been down and out for too long. I can't do this anymore. I can't just wake up, say, "Nope, don't feel good," and flop back down and sleep more. It's just time to get up. I don't have to pretend that I'm ok, but I do have to persevere through it all.

There's a possibility that I may be in some form of depression. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. Who knows what this all really is? I just know I can't continually live like this. I can't sit on my ass and do nothing anymore. From today onward, I will keep moving forward no matter what. One day, maybe I'll notice a difference in my attitude. I expect this will take a while.