Ending and Beginning

Well, it's the last day of 2012. This year has been completely crazily, wonderfully, insanely amazing! I can't believe what all has happened in such a short time. When I started 2012, I didn't have a car, I was a college graduate working at a company that didn't appreciate anything I did, I did t know what I wanted to do with my life, and I was being forced to leave the house that was my home for 11.5 years. As the year progressed, things changed. I got my little black car, I got to work at the Superbowl in Indianapolis and experience the most exciting sporting event ever, I moved into and apartment with my best friend, I got a job working for the best company in the world, and I've made some amazing friends!

Of course there were some bad times. I didn't really get along with my family for a while after I moved out, my love life has been one twisted mess, and my financial situation isn't the best. But in all those bad things, I've learned lessons. I've learned that I can fall for every guy that's interested in me. I have to have standards. I only have 1 family, so I'd better get along with them before its too late. I can't do everything. I need to choose what's most important. Spending money because I can isn't always the best idea.

Out of all of that, I've gained amazing friendships with awesome people at work and at home. I'm so thankful for the friends I can call family! They joke with me, look out for me, tease me, and just have fun with me. Britt, Sara, Sara, Braden, BK, Stephen, Adam, Marcus, Caitlin, and Alex: I love you all so so much! You've given me so much love and hope and joy!! Let's make 2013 even more amazing!

And dear, sweet guy of my dreams: I hope to meet you soon. Maybe this will be our year. :)

Saying Goodbye

So if you haven't noticed already, I have a very hard time saying, "Goodbye," to people. Especially if it means I will never see them again. Well, I can tell you this: I do it because in my mind I've developed a strong bond with this person. Living without the possibility of talking to or seeing them again is incredibly difficult for me to deal with. That's why it took me 6-7 months after I broke up with my ex, who kept trying to get me back, to stop responding to him and cut every last tie I had to him. That's why up until Christmas of this year I was still pining for my first love in hopes that things would finally go my way. And that's also why I continued to do things for the ex who didn't have time for me in hopes that I would win his affections back.

I've finally said that enough is enough. I've cut ties with all 3 of them. I can't even talk to any of them without feeling hurt or disappointed, so I'm better off moving on. I'm thankful for what I do have: 4 amazing guys friends that tell me how awesome I am. Though I would never date any of them, it's nice to know that they care. One of them I talk to everyday constantly. We flirt and joke and kid. We're definitely attracted to each other. The thing I like best is that he really cares about what I have to say. We care about each other. My second guy friend has been my brother for 4 years. We encourage each other to do our best and are there when the other needs a listening ear. The last 2 are my neighbors. They come over and visit us, making life a lot more interesting. They talk about using their guns on any guy that hurts me (I hope they're kidding). I'm so thankful for amazing guys that look out for me. It helps to have them around. Makes me feel a lot less lonely. Makes saying, "Goodbye," to the guys I can't or don't want to be around that much easier.

Being A Single Adult In My Family

Well, I now know what an awkward family gathering is like... Today was the day that I realized what it's like to be single and living on your own in my family. You're not seen as an adult. You're still seen as attached to your parents. You aren't given any direct notification about what time to be at an event or any meal responsibilities. You aren't considered to be your own family.

Then someone says something about how you need to get on the ball and get married and have a family. I'm thinking, "Ha, not any time soon! Sitting around with no major prospects and a mending heart isn't conducive to getting married."

I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I'd like to think I have a family at my home: me, my roommate, and my few close friends. We take care of each other. I'd like to fully understand why it's so hard for my family to understand that I want to be relied on. It pushes me to not worry so much about being single if I have to deal with my own stuff.

Living Life To The Fullest

It's been an interesting few days. First, my attitude has changed tremendously. I'm not having that depressed feeling as often. Not only that, but physically I'm doing much better. I'm so thankful to be getting my life back. I've been learning to just enjoy the life I have and make the most of each day.

Next, I'm still doing stupid things. I picked up one of my ex boyfriends Friday night and took him home, because he was drunk. I knew he wanted to get back with me, and I let it happen that night. I stayed with him the whole night. Though I learned that I definitely have zero feelings for him anymore, I shouldn't have even left my apartment.
Finally, I had an amazing night Saturday night at my new friend's apartment with some coworkers. I'm so happy to have such an amazing group of people to be goofy with.
I'm so ready for this busy week. Life is starting to really feel good. I'm learning lessons, living life to the fullest, and not worrying so much about the future. You should try it. Treat each day like you're making a memorable moment.

What Happens When You Don't Hear From Me

Well, it's been a few days... Your reaction should always be, "oh no... What did SL get herself into this time?" Well, I've been sick (pretty normal at this point). And my best guy friend has been coming around. He's been like a brother to me for the last 4 years. He's been there for me, as I have for him. Since I graduated, we've only seen each other a few times at different events, and we'll catch up over the phone every couple of months or when something major happens in his life. He spent the afternoon with me Tuesday. We talked, watched The Hunger Games, took a nap, and just enjoyed having each other's company.
Then last night, he came over again and we went to get food, watched tv, and he ended up staying the night in my room. It's nice to have a friend who isn't afraid to cuddle while sleeping. It was wonderful just to have someone there with me. Though he's an ass, he cares about me, my career, my love life, etc., as I do for him. That's what makes us so close.

"SL, are you sure you guys don't have feelings for each other?" Funny you should ask. We've talked about that. We've never had feelings for each other, and it would never happen. I mean, come on, who wants to be in a relationship with their brother? That's really how I feel about him. He's my brother, and I'm his sister. We care about each other in that way. To the point where we're brutally honest with each other.

The part of this that I'm not sure is the best: I've decided to give a particular ex another chance. He's been trying to get back with me for months. The least I can do is agree to one date (as my guy friend so lovingly encouraged me to do). If I don't have feelings for him at that point, I can be done and tell him it's not going to happen.

We'll see what happens... Until next time (hopefully soon). Much love to all! Don't be as stupid as me. ;)

It's Time To Begin

This is starting to feel more like a journal that I'm writing...  I hope to God that doesn't bite me in the ass in the future.  That's why this isn't something I share with everyone.  I share it with the few of you who care plus the others who don't care and for some reason enjoy what I have to say.  I wish I could stay home today.  I'm definitely sick, but I can't do it today.  I have to man up and face this world.  Sure, once I get to work everything will be fine.  I'm sure the pure joy of doing what I love will take over and make things easier.

I know in my last post I talked about moving forward and pushing toward some goals that I have.  That starts now.  Today is the last day I lay in bed until I have to get up and get ready for work.  No more pity parties.  It's about striving to be the best that I can be and have fun while doing it.  Yeah, I'll have those bad days, but as my roommate told me yesterday, I have some pretty awesome best friends who are there to help me.

Life is going to be more about being productive and enjoying it than just staying in one spot and hoping that things change.  As long as I get plenty of sleep, start eating healthier, and have an active lifestyle, eventually, I won't want to do anything else.  Yes, downtime is important, and staying in to watch a movie or chill is ok as long as it's not all the time.

I'm so excited that I chose to go to a few Christmas events in the next couple of weeks.  It shows that I want to enjoy life.  Plus, I miss my brothers (co-ed business fraternity), and I want to enjoy celebrating the graduation of 2 of my favorite brothers.  I hope that today's optimism takes hold inside me and becomes a part of my everyday life.

Last little bit: I talked about my relationship with God and church a little bit before.  I'm going to start reading the Bible everyday.  Even if it's just a verse, I need to let God speak to me.  That's going to help my spirits stay lifted even when times get tough.

Realizations & Observations

Today was a pretty good day.  Though I felt terrible when I woke up this morning, I took medicine and vitamins and went to my parents' house for a visit and laundry.  It was so nice to spend time with both of my parents.  I forget how fun they are to be around sometimes.  We went a few different places and ate breakfast.  I also showed mom some basics about Pinterest.  Watch out, world!  She's getting dangerous!!!

I had a conversation with my mom today that really helped give my spirits a boost.  She was talking about how smart I am and that I can do anything.  It wasn't an in-passing type of conversation piece a mom is obligated to have with her daughter.  She was talking about my IQ and how I really have the capability to do anything or be anything I want.  I just have to try for it and work hard (my weakness. I'm extremely lazy).  I've really taken this to heart, and it's given me great motivation to try for some things I thought were impossible.  I'll speak more about those another time.  I don't want to get too ahead of myself.

This evening I went to a Pacers game with a new guy friend (emphasis on the friend; no romantic tendencies).  It was really nice to hangout with someone who isn't trying to get in my pants or date me.  He asks questions about my life as anyone would.  He's intrigued by how strict my parents were when I was growing up as most people are when I tell them I was homeschooled the last 3 years of high school and had a curfew until the day I moved out of their house.  Anyway, I've realized that this is what I like and need: a friend that I get to hangout with without delving into my emotional issues or his emotional issues, as if we're 2 bros just chilling. :)

Also, I noticed that I've gotten a lot more into basketball than I used to be.  I've always loved the sport, but now it's to the point where I'm not there to talk about anything other than the game or something related to the game.  I'm on the edge of my seat every second.  I don't want to miss anything.  A blink away from that orange ball can make al the difference between seeing the refs make a bad call and missing the turning point in the game that causes your team to win or at least have a chance at winning.

I know this isn't incredibly deep.  I just think it's important that I take note of my tendencies, actions, and attitudes.  If I continue to be self-aware, I think it'll make the difference between staying depressed and being capable of moving forward.

It's A Process

I woke up this morning feeling well-rested. Normally I don't feel this good. Part of me thinks it's just because I took that melatonin before bed and really got plenty of sleep. Another part hopes that this is the start of feeling better. The latter, I think, is just a hoax. I can't just magically feel better about myself. It's going to take time, energy, and practice. I have to just push myself. I have to decide that regardless of how I feel, I have to keep pushing. Keep moving. Keep trying. It's crazy, but I feel like I have an imaginary Dory from Finding Nemo telling me, "When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming." I have to keep going forward.

"SL, what does that mean? What is moving forward? How will that help?" Well, first of all, I think I need to literally move forward. Step out of this comfort zone that is my home. Maybe my dad was right. Maybe I need to try a new church. I've been feeling like I don't belong at my church for so long. It may just be time for me to move on. I need to find a place that encourages and provokes me to think. A place that gives me the tools to rebuild my relationship with God.

Another moving forward suggestion is not letting whatever physical sickness this is stop me from getting up, going and doing. I've been down and out for too long. I can't do this anymore. I can't just wake up, say, "Nope, don't feel good," and flop back down and sleep more. It's just time to get up. I don't have to pretend that I'm ok, but I do have to persevere through it all.

There's a possibility that I may be in some form of depression. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. Who knows what this all really is? I just know I can't continually live like this. I can't sit on my ass and do nothing anymore. From today onward, I will keep moving forward no matter what. One day, maybe I'll notice a difference in my attitude. I expect this will take a while.

The Feeling I Can't Shake

I'm not sure what it is, but I can't shake this feeling. This feeling that makes want to just stay in bed and not get up.  That makes me want to be around people, but not want to be around people all at the same time.  I've just felt so out of it for such a long time, and nothing has gotten me out of it, even when there is someone here with me.  I've given up on trying to find a special person.  Any guy that I already know or have dated isn't it.  I know that sounds final and sort of closed-minded, but I am feeling like there's a reason it hasn't worked out with anyone I already know.

Then again, what if the reason it hasn't worked out is because I'm just not ready?  Maybe God's got some work to do on me still.  I mean, if I'm feeling this way about myself right now, maybe I shouldn't be dating.  Maybe I should just be working on myself.  For the past year and a half it's been one guy after another.  I've gotta take a break.  Though there's one ex that continually tells me that he could love me like I want, I've been down that path.  I remember how up and down that relationship was.  I remember how it wasn't until after I broke up with him that he decided to take us seriously.  How am I supposed to believe that things will be different?  Better yet, how am I supposed to be in a relationship with anyone if I'm not sure about myself??

It's a matter of finding out who I am and what I want out of life before getting anyone else involved.  I need to love myself first and feel good about myself.

Accountability and Hopes

It's been a while... I've been kind of putting off a lot of things the past couple of weeks.  Though I let go of someone I love very much, I tried to fill that void with platonic guy friends, not-so-platonic guy friends, and the hope of a new relationship with someone I really liked.  All almost at the same time, while battling with an ex who thinks he knows what's best for me (he thinks it's him, of course).  At the end of the day, I noticed one thing: I am alone.  There is no special someone that cares about me the way he did.  I have to accept that I may not have that for a long time.  It's a scary thing to feel totally alone.  I mean, I love my girls.  I've got a lot of them who look out for me, but it's just not the same.

I know there's that group of people that are thinking, "SL, you're a Christian! Isn't God with you all the time?"  Yeah, He is, and I'm thankful that He's watching out for me.  I know I'm alive and well because of Him.  I just have this constant feeling that someone is supposed to be sleeping next to me at night.  Not just any someone, but a someone that will always want to be here with me.  Someone that smothers me with attention to the point where if I didn't like him so much, I'd be annoyed.  Someone that understands my schedule and doesn't complain about it.  I've chosen a profession that requires me to work weekends.  It's just part of life.  I love what I do.

I'm not sure what the point of this whole thing was except to get everything out.  To have some sort of accountability for my actions.  And to put this out there:  If by some miracle, my special man reads this, I just want you to know that I can't wait until you get here.  I've been missing you for way too long.

Stopping Communication

It's weird... I don't think I realized how much I talk to him.  It's been over 36 hours since I've seen his face, and I still remember the look of guilt and hurt he had.  He kept apologizing.  I still don't understand why he felt the need to apologize.  We both knew that the moment would come when we could no longer have the relationship we'd always had.  I was as much of a part of this as he was.  I can't fault him for needing to move forward with someone who loves him.

Like I said, I knew he was feeling guilty, and that I was mad or upset with him.  I had to let him know that I wasn't upset, and that I was thankful to him for giving me a chance to find someone and love them for real.  I messaged him and told him this late last night.  Wouldn't you know? I was right.  He'd been struggling with the thought of me being angry with him!  I also told him that I wouldn't be talking to him for a while.  It bothered him a little, but he understood.  It was so difficult to say goodbye like that.  A real, final goodbye.

Of course I shed a few tears. I cry a lot these days and mostly in secret.  I'm sure the world wonders if I'm ever sad.  I run around with a smile on my face 90% of the time I'm in public.  The career path I've chosen has taught me to fake being happy so well.  I love and hate that.  Right now I hate it, because I don't want to fake it.  I just want to be me and show the world that I hurt sometimes.  And as much as I love being around people, I definitely don't want to be around any right now, unless they just want to sit and watch a movie.  I'm done talking.  I need a break from caring about everyone else.

I know I sound overly dramatic about all of this.  A lot of you are probably thinking, "SL, you guys never really were together.  Heck, you lived in different states!  If you added up the hours you spent face-to-face with each other, it's equal to a good night's rest."  Yup, you're right.  We didn't spend a lot of time together in that way, but I allowed someone into my innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, and desires.  We both did.  To have to give that person up is probably the hardest thing I'll ever do.  It's time I stop dwelling on it.  Time I start a new life for myself.  No huge outward changes, but I'll definitely be changing on the inside.  I can't wait to find out on my own what kind of a person I am.

Background plus Day 1

You know that one person that makes you feel absolutely perfect?  You know, that guy that you say to yourself, "If circumstances were different, we'd live happily ever after."  Now, what if you know he loved you back.  That he said the same thing to himself about you.  You're probably thinking, "If you both love each other, change the circumstances.  You have to fight for love."  Trust me, we've tried.  He looked for jobs to be closer to me.  I honestly can't move away from my home right now.  I want to try something new, but my heart wouldn't be ok if I wasn't in Indiana.

So we've made it clear that he and I can't be together.  Now imagine that you still love each other.  That you talk to each other almost everyday.  That you both are dating other people, but still talk to each other like you love each other.  I know, you're thinking, "SL (that's me), isn't that kind of cheating? What about those people you guys are dating? Don't they deserve better than to play second fiddle to someone you can't really be with?"  You're right, they deserved a lot better.  Those guys I dated weren't getting all of my love or attention.  I was comparing them to my special person.  The girl he's been dating for a long period of time is nice, treats him better than I think I ever could.  I was jealous that she could be there with him and I couldn't, but I knew that she would be able to make him happy.

You're probably wondering, "SL, did you and this special guy ever... you know... do stuff together?"  I'd be lying if I said that we hadn't.  What little time we have spent together was the most perfect time I've ever had.  We fit together like 2 puzzle pieces.  I'm not going to go into detail, because I think it's rude to discuss exactly what happened, but I can say that we were always in public places with other people around.

Ok, so I think you have enough background.  Here comes the other part:  Yesterday, he came to visit.  We had lunch, talked, went to the movies, and talked some more.  Come to find out, he's proposing to said girlfriend very soon.  As soon as he told me that, I knew I was going to have to step back and let him really build the relationship with her that she deserves.  I also knew that would be the last time I would see him.  He felt awful for having to tell me, but I kept a brave face on.  He was NOT going to see me cry.

After he dropped me off at my vehicle with a hug and kiss goodbye, I started slowly realizing that my first love was really gone.  Sure, I'd hear about the wedding through facebook.  And every now and then we'll catch up.  But I can't go to him with everything anymore.  I have to learn to let go.  I've already stopped myself from texting him once or twice.

The good part of all of this: I can finally move on.  I can live my life without the "what ifs" that include him in them.  I can learn to love someone else with my whole heart.  I'll always be measuring every man up to my first love.  I feel bad, but it's going to happen.  I will never stop loving the one person who could make me feel beautiful and sexy or call bull shit on my lies.  The person that knows me better than I know myself.  The person that told me just before he left, "You won't find the right man for you until you get out of Indiana and stop believing that you have to rely on having a man."

Today is the day after his last visit.  I had a cry about it last night.  My best friend talked with me about it for a while.  She gave me all kinds of amazing advice that will stick with me for the rest of my life.  I've resigned myself to dealing with this pain that I feel.  I can't hide it or push it away. I've got to face it so I can learn to really move on.  This is going to take time.  Lots of time.  I'll be writing a little when I have something to say.  This is more of a therapy for me, but if someone gets something from it, I'm glad to help.

First song of the day: "Wheel of the World" - Carrie Underwood