Lessons From Movies

It's amazing how movies and tv shows have a way of making you think about your own life.  Here I am, watching The Bucket List (one of my favorite late Jack Nicholson movies) and thinking about what my life will be like in 35-40 years.  After all my kids are grown up and out of the house, am I going to love my husband?  Are we going to have things in common besides our children?  How do I keep us from growing apart?  Honestly, I think some of this stuff has come from other places, but I'm going to share my ideas with you anyway:

1.  Having a regular date night - I truly believe this gives the opportunity to keep some resemblance of life before kids.  Without a date night, it's dinner with the kids, get the kids ready for bed, get things ready for the morning, and pass out.  How are you supposed to be a couple instead of just 2 people raising kids unless you have a date on a regular basis.

2.  Going away for a weekend 3-4 times a year without children - Sometimes, you need more than just an evening alone together.  Leaving the kids with your parents and taking off to somewhere within driving distance for a couple of days is a nice, moderately-priced way of getting some much-needed alone time.  You can still call the kids before bed and say goodnight if you need to, but it's ultimately a weekend about the 2 of you doing whatever you want to do together.

3.  Taking time to talk to each other everyday about each other (not the kids) - Whether it's as you're lying in bed right before sleep or on the phone during a lunch break or long commute, find a chance to talk. Just talk. About something you saw on tv, what's been going on at work, or, if you're me, sports (I LOVE sports!).

4.  Watch a movie at home after the kids go to bed regularly - Sometimes, when you know everyone will sleep in the next day, choosing a movie for the 2 of you and cuddling up on the couch to it is a nice way to get some quick alone time that reminds you of so many of those nights back when you were dating, and staying up late watching movies together (even if you fall asleep in the middle of it, at least you're together).  Of course, this one could easily get interrupted by a kid with a nightmare or soothe a crying baby, but at least you try.  At some point, it'll work out, even if it seems hopeless.

5.  Take advantage of grandparents that live nearby - Your parents want to spend time with your grandkids.  Without you around.  That's how kids learn some of their most valuable lessons, get spoiled a little, and become well-rounded adults by learning about the past.  They'll also hear some child-appropriate embarrassing stories about you, but that's ok, right?  While your kids are spending time with the people who raised you, you and your spouse can do ANYTHING!  Make it a productive Saturday or a lazy one.  Go grocery shopping, fix the leaky pipe, or lay around the house all day having a Star Wars marathon (one of my favorites).  Even if you're doing stuff around the house, you're in each other's company.

I know these things aren't spectacular or grand, but simple, easy, and mostly do-able.  I hope to keep these in mind for myself one day.

Saying The Wrong Thing

I always do that... I see that things are going super well in a relationship, then completely screw it up, by saying something or doing something that's a little too much for the guy to handle just yet.  Part of me can't help that I freaking love the guy.  I shouldn't be liable for what I say when I'm in this state... What does he expect when he knows he's got me wrapped around his little finger.  I mean, I'll do anything that amazing man asks: dishes, running stuff up to the store, making dinner, laundry, fetching him water or whatever he fancies before bed, etc...  I'm not complaining.  I brought it upon myself, I know.  I sarcastically huff or complain, but he has to know I don't mean a bit of it.  Honestly, it's what I've always wanted: someone that will let me take care of him.

Don't mistake me for a fool.  Trust me, he does so much for me too.  He practically does all the cooking, drives us almost everywhere, buys things for me when needed without expecting repayment, etc.  I think we have a good thing going.  We take care of each other.  Based on what he says and does, he's attracted to me (though I have no clue why.  Dude could get any chick he wanted with that smile and sweet voice).

Now, I'm not trying to rush things like I did before.  That's stupid, pointless, and it isn't what I want.  I mean, I know I want this to be a forever thing.  I just want to make sure I know everything I can know about him before it becomes officially permanent.  I believe that would cause a lot less stress than finding things out later on.  I guess I just wish he didn't draw back so much when I say stupid things.  I kind of wish he would just tell me to take it easy.  That's kind of his job: to reign me in when I get to be too much.  He's good at it when we're in the same room.  He shakes his head at me, calls me ridiculous.  When he's smiling, I know it to be a joke.  When he isn't, I know it's his way of saying, "Stacy, calm down a little."  It's not as easy when we aren't in the same room.  He's subtle.  Doesn't come out and say what's bothering him.  I have to be able to see his face to know.

I just don't know what to do sometimes... I feel like I have to watch myself, and make sure I don't say anything stupid.  Oh well, I hope things will get easier as time goes on.

Ways You Can Tell You're Seriously Dating Someone

Over the past couple of weeks, I've noticed a big shift in my relationship with D. And to this day, we have not discussed whether or not we are officially dating. In spite of that, there are key signs that tell me we are together in an actual relationship.

1. He never minds if I leave clothing or other items at his apartment permanently.

2. I'm not afraid to discuss conversations I've had with my friends about our future weddings, etc.

3. He has shown me the house he's looking to get.

4. We don't do separate loads of laundry for each person.

5. Our physical relationship suggests we are seriously dating.

6. I help with chores and other tasks at his apartment.

Those are a few of the reasons that I can say we are officially a couple, even when we haven't had that talk yet.

Something New

Instead of talking about how things are going, here are some general thoughts I've been thinking, unrelated to certain people or current events in my life.  Specifically, I've been thinking a lot about weddings, marriage, and what it means to be married to someone.  Regardless of when that happens, I want to be prepared to be the best wife my future husband could ask for.  I've been looking at several marriage and wedding blogs advertised by different Pinterest people.  Let me tell you, I've found some awesome stuff!

One of my favorite recent finds is this blog called Simply Clarke.  She has this one post entitled "10 Tips for A Christ-Centered Marriage".  To give you a taste of what it says, #1 is "Be Best Friends".  This is something I definitely want to put into practice.  I hope that as time goes on, the person that I'm meant to be with is just that: my best friend.  The person I want to talk to more than anyone else.  It also goes along with one of my favorite songs: "You'll Always Be My Best Friend" by Relient K.

Of course I'm finding lots of wedding blogs and tips as well.  One of my favorites is from Things We Would Blog entitled, "7 Reasons to See the Bride Before The Ceremony".  It includes my favorite reason: getting the photos out of the way.  I definitely don't want to waste the guests' time between the ceremony and reception by doing whatever pictures we wanted as a couple.  I would still want to do one or two quick poses after the ceremony, but I want to be able to enjoy the reception with everyone else.

Last thing to mention:  I've seen different engagement ring styles, not that I hope to get one anytime soon.  Though I have realized what I like.  Women are portrayed by Hollywood and the media as wanting big, huge diamonds.  I honestly want something practical.  If it's too big, it'll snag on sleeves when getting dressed, I won't want to wear it anywhere and everywhere, and it's just more trouble than it's worth.  Now there is this one ring I found that looks like the Autobots symbol from Transformers.  If I wanted an impractical ring, it would be that one.

Like I said, none of this has anything to do with my current life situation.  It's just nice to think about these things and share them with you wonderful people.  If you have a blog or something you want to share, let me know.

I Love My Life

So, I know it's been a while, but things are going really well right now in almost every part of my life.  I have this wonderful man in my life who looks out for me, cares for me, who is funny, caring, and a goof just like me.  It's funny, I'm not usually this calm about a relationship.  I love that things are so solid.  D is a man that I'm happy to spend my time with.  I can't help but just be happy.  D misses me when I'm not around, and I definitely miss him too.

Also, I got a new position at work, and I start this coming Monday.  I'm super excited for what's to come!  I love what I get to do everyday at my job.

My finances are getting back on track.  Let me tell you, it's extremely tough, but I love knowing that things are going to get better.  No eating out, no extra trips, budgets for everything... It's a little crazy.

Anyways, I love what's going on right now.  It's stressful sometimes, but I've got God on my side, a wonderful family, a fantastic man in my life, and friends that I couldn't live without.  I hope whatever bad moments that come in fade away quickly.

Golden

I know it sounds like I'm wishy-washy or I don't know what I want. I'm not oblivious to how I sound. I read back over these posts after a few days of posting them, thinking the purpose of writing them is getting my thoughts out. It's helped me so much. Even if I don't follow through with what I say I'm going to do, at least I know what I was thinking/feeling at that moment. 

Now, D and I have worked things out. I've made it so that I have more time at home with my friends and family, but we're still able to spend time together. We were able to talk and learn more about each other, and I think that's helped me to understand why sometimes we have communication issues or this or that. 

It's clear that I love him and am not leaving or threatening to leave anymore. I want and love him as he is. Whatever barriers we have, I'm going to be patient and work on them with him. I'm thankful that he really wanted to work things out this time. 

He was right about my habits. I was upset more that it took that long to bring them up, than that they were actual issues. I have some things to work on, but doesn't everyone? It'll take me some time to get there, but I want him to know that I'm trying for me and for us. 

I realize that he doesn't really know what exactly what he wants from this, and I'm ok with that. I know that means I could get my heart broken again, but I've gotta take a risk if I really want this to work. 

I probably sound like I'm being walked all over, but at this point I don't care. I've got someone who takes care of me and lets me take care of him. Someone who misses me when I'm not around. Someone who I can tease and have fun with. Someone who thinks I'm ridiculous, but likes that side of me anyways.

So D, if you read this, know I'm in this. I'm not expecting things to move quickly. I just know that I want to be with you for as long as I can. I'm not going anywhere. And I promise I'll do what I can to make you happy. You already make me incredibly happy every time I talk to you, see you, or even get a text from you. I'll continue to prove it to you everyday. Yes, I'm going to screw up and say the wrong thing or get super emotional, I'm a girl. But at the end of the day, I'm yours, and as long as you want me that'll never change.

Oh and while writing this, I'm listening to Lady Antebellum's new album, Golden. It's beautiful. Give it a listen. :)

"Habits"

It's crazy how one conversation makes everything clear. Apparently, the awesome person my friends think I am isn't real. I guess a few wrong decisions I made earlier in my life and a couple made recently have screwed up the chance I had to be with someone I care about. I'm not trying to have a pity party, but it really sucks that someone could not want to be with me because of a few things that I'd done wrong (all of which I have been working on, because I've seen those problems on my own). Not only that, but when I have to pry the information out of him so I can see why he's been acting the way he is, it just kind of makes me a little sick. I mean, I don't like the fact that D can't have a serious conversation with me in person that lasts more than 5 seconds, but up until now that wasn't a big deal.

My "Habits"

He's known that I'm clingy since the week we met and that I've been making the effort to cool my jets since we got back together. I'm not the one who says, "It would be better if you were here," when I spend a night or 2 away from his place. I'm not the only clingy one in this relationship.

Furthermore, I know my financial situation isn't the best, but I'm doing what I can to fix that. Also, I would never want my partner to think that I expect him to just take care of that for me if we ever got married. I've not once asked him for money or anything of the sort. My finances are my problem, and I'm going to take care of them.

Lastly, I know that from the time I moved out until very recently that I've probably drank too much a few times. That's why after a couple of weeks ago, I've toned down that part of my life almost 100%. Mind you, I don't see a problem with a drink or 2 sometimes, but there definitely won't be anymore nights that end in hungover mornings.

Those 3 topics were the "habits" that D didn't like about my life. My question is why couldn't he come to me with this sooner instead of just keeping it to himself? I deserve to know what's going on. I've always been told that communication is key in any relationship. The sad part is that's what my relationship with D has always lacked through no fault of my own.

He should be someone I'm close to and who is comfortable with talking to me when he's unhappy with something, especially if it's something that involves me. The more I write this, the more I see that I'm not the only one who has "habits" that have held us back from really being together.

Good luck to D finding someone who is as supportive and understanding about his work as I am. Good luck to D finding someone who never says no when he asks for something, whether that's doing dishes, fixing dinner, running to the store, taking a movie back to the redbox, or taking care of him when he isn't feeling well. I deserve to be with someone who sees my faults and understands that I'm working through them. I deserve to be with a man who will take real control of the relationship, instead of being passive.

I just hope both of us are lucky enough to find what we're looking for, because he's made it clear that I'm not what he wants.

A Placeholder

Have you ever just felt like you were a part of someone's life because they didn't have anyone else? That's how I've felt with D lately. It's a lot of small things that when you look at them together say, "He doesn't really want to be with you." And he won't discredit that. At least he won't talk to me long enough to try. I mean, I realize that his job is important, but that isn't where the problem is. I feel like I have to end things and find someone who is going to love me and communicate with me about our relationship instead of clamming up every time I ask to talk about something. Something is missing from the first time we were together. I felt like I was more important the first time we started dating. That's really all I have. I just think it should be known that I'm not a placeholder for whatever he thinks might be better.

Thankful

It's weird how the idea of him going to Chicago for the weekend scares me. It's like I miss him before he's gone. Like I can't stand to be away from him. Apparently I was so tired last night that I fell asleep and wouldn't cuddle with him. He asked me about it, and I honestly just was so tired that I don't know why I did that. He let me sleep, being the best guy he is. He even left to get stuff for the store.
The idea of me sleeping at home in my own bed is a little scary. I mean, I love having all of my things, but it's nothing like being with the person who always says something for me to laugh at. The person who, when he's sleepy, will put his arms around me and lay his head on my chest as though that's the most comfortable place in the world.
I know, I know... I sound like I'm getting too attached again. I'm doing my best to be strong. I don't want D to think I'm crazy. But then again, when I told him my ex texted me and asked me to have lunch with him (I said no), D asked if he needed to lay the smack down on this guy. I don't know about you, but that means a lot to me. Though I think he was half kidding, I appreciate D's thought behind that.
Not much else to say. I'm just thankful for having him in my life right now. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I Don't Care

It baffles me that people I know use this blog as a way to tell me what I should change about my life.  I didn't start this blog so you can use it against me.  I started it to give myself an outlet for my thoughts.  To give me a place to confess my mistakes without judgement.  I advertise my blog on limited social media networks for that reason.  It's a shame that I have to hide my life from certain people for fear of what they'll think.

Trust me, it's not going to stop me from posting about my life.  I am comfortable with the life I lead.  People are always telling me not to give off a bad appearance, but I think it's stupid that people assume the worst.  I honestly don't care what people think about my life.  I'm thankful for the way things are going right now in my life.  I love my job, my family, my friends, my significant other, the cat that has become my baby, and whatever else is going on in my life.

I'm not changing any of that because someone says part of it is wrong or looks wrong.  I believe what I'm doing is acceptable.  Also, if you are going to talk to me about it, there are ways to say things with tact that are so much better than releasing judgement.  I know this sounds pointed and addressed to someone in particular.  It kind of is.  I just want to clear this up for everyone.

Decisions, Decisions

It has been a very mentally exhausting few days. I've had to make some tough decisions that I never actually thought I'd ever make. For once, these decisions aren't relationship related.

I have decided to step back from Fraternity things for a while and focus on my career. That basically means that I won't be volunteering for extra positions or responsibilities. I feel that I am not able to give the dedication necessary to do the job right. Also, I am not going to the national conference in Seattle this summer. I don't believe I'm in a financial place to be able to do that.

My goal from all of this is to become more responsible and grow up a little. I want to be able to do these things, but I am not in the best place to do them right now. It was hard for me to give up something I love so much, but it is for the best.

Don't Be Rushin'

You wouldn't believe how crazy amazing things have been lately.  Earlier this week, I had a freak out moment about D and me.  I started to wonder why we hadn't had "the talk" and decided to make our relationship official.  I asked my roommate's advice, and it aligned with what I thought I should do:  talk to him about it.  Then I thought, "Maybe I should get a guy's opinion.  Maybe I'm overreacting."  So, I asked one of my good guy friends the same thing.  Why, if we've been spending all this time together, aren't we really "back together"?  My guy friend's response was, "How long have you guys been seeing each other this time?  A few weeks?  Take your time this time."  And you know what?  He's 1000% right.  I have always tried to rush things in relationships, and that's why our first attempt at this relationship didn't work.  I pushed too hard, and he was afraid he couldn't give me what I wanted.

I've learned that all I want is to be cared for and thought of.  It doesn't bother me if we don't see each other for a while, as long as he finds a way of telling me that he cares.  That's what's been going on this time, and it feels like we're both happy for once.  I'm not going to rush it this time.  I was thinking something the other day, "If this is the relationship I'm supposed to be in, then we have our whole lives to worry about where we are in our relationship.  For now, we should just enjoy it."

And now I leave you with a quote I found on Instagram:

"According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces.  Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves."

-Plato's The Symposium 

My Time Away From Home

The past few days have been truly amazing! Since Wednesday, I've been spending my free time with D. After work, at a basketball game, making dinner at 11pm, relaxing, watching movies, and more. We both had the weekend off and spent the whole thing together. I've seriously never been happier or felt more at home. We've even been doing chores and cleaning together. It makes me see this whole thing as something that could really last. He even mentioned that I shouldn't have renewed my lease and just moved in there with him. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't seem like a bad idea after this weekend. I just think it's way too soon for us to do that. I worry that one of us would get annoyed by the other one fairly quickly. Oh well, if things go well, maybe a year from now we can reconsider it. Until then, I'm content with being kidnapped for a few days and not sleeping in my own bed. :)

Guy Friends

Over the past few days, I've realized how much I enjoy having guy friends. They don't have drama of their own, so they actually listen to what drama creeps into mine. Then they tell me to stop freaking out and cool off. I also like being there for them too. Guys go through stuff just like girls do. They just need to know someone is there for them.

I have several guy friends that I talk to almost on a daily basis. It's great! They just text me to check in and see how things are going. I've noticed now that I'm with D I don't talk to them as much, but I'd never stop being friends with them unless I felt it was compromising my relationship with D.

I'm so thankful for every one of my guy friends: A, G, R, S, and the M's. They're all amazing guys with a lot to offer the girls that will end up with them. I'm just grateful to be a part of their lives in such a small way.

Feelings

So, I just finished watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower. No movie has ever rocked me to my core the way that did. So much pain and sadness was had there. I realize it's only a movie, but I get invested into stories and characters.

I can't even express the words that say how I feel right now. It's a mixture of thankfulness, frustration, hope, sadness, love, and hurt. No movie has ever made me feel so many things all at once.

I am so thankful that I grew up the way I did. Nothing can ever change that. It frustrates me how cruel some people can be. Those people are out there. Hell, each of us at one point or another has been cruel to someone. It's just frustrating to see how much pain it can cause. I hope that whatever pain I've caused in this world will fade away. It's sad to see how one period in someone's life can overtake them. I love my family and close friends for always being there for me even when I keep doing the same stupid things over and over again.

And I hurt for every single person who has experienced any kind of hurt in their lives. That includes you, dear reader. Believe that your hurt resonates with me. That I am here to help you shoulder that pain. Even if we never speak, you must always give me part of your burden. I am and will always be here for you. I don't leave when life gets difficult, so believe that I am here for you. That someone in this world is here to help.

I'm not sure where all of this came from.. I just wanted you to know that pain isn't something that you have to deal with alone.

Visitors and New Friends

Well, the past few days have been interesting... I've been house-sitting for some friends, and I thought I'd be spending the week alone. That definitely wasn't the case. The dogs and I have had visitors every night. D ended up coming over on Valentine's Day night. We didn't do much. Just watched a movie and fell asleep. He also came over Friday night. This time he brought pizza and soda. We ended up watching some Duck Dynasty (I love that show!!) and sleeping. That night, the dogs woke me up like 4 times. Only one of them was a legitimate, "we need to go outside" thing. I got like zero sleep. Then last night my roommate and one of my best friends stopped by and hung out for a few. It was really nice having the company. The dogs are starting to drive me nuts. They go crazy barking for no reason!! At least their owners come back tonight. :)

I'm so thankful for how D has been lately. He's been texting me more, calls me and let's me talk about things if I'm upset, and really acts like being with me is where he wants to be. Still not sure how long he's going to keep it up, but I'm enjoying it so far. If God lets me stay with him for a good long while, I'm good with that.

Now, I've stopped meeting new people online for the time being. I did make one new friend. Let's call him "R". Well, R is like the guy version of me. He's a goof and gets excited over little things. We're going to hangout later this week. I like making new friends. :)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well, it's another Valentine's Day filled with love!  Family and friend love, that is!  I knew from the beginning of this week that thinking D would do anything for me for Valentine's Day was a waste of thinking.  Not only that, but we just started really trying to work things out.  He has no obligation to do anything.  On top of all that, his work is extremely hectic this week, so even if he felt he wanted to do something, he would either not have time or forget what day it is.

On the other hand, if he did still have some sort of plan, I would love it!  I love surprises!!  I just can't let myself expect it, then get let down.  That's not fair to him or me.  Maybe he's one of those guys that doesn't believe in Valentine's Day.  It's hard to believe that, though.  He hides it most of the time, but he's really a hopeless romantic just like me.

Aside from all that, I got to spend this wonderful day with my amazing mother!!  She and I got to bake together and watch American Idol.  She's an amazing woman!!  I hope all of you have a fantastic V-day!  Much love, hugs, and kisses!!

~SL

Why I Love Him

It's crazy how one day can change everything.  Yesterday, I went and did some work for an older couple that I love dearly.  When I was done, I was hungry and thought I had some errands I could run, so I stopped by my ex's work (we'll call him, "D" from now on) and grab some lunch, maybe say hey (he's the store manager).  I need to preface this by sharing the text I got from him earlier that morning:

"Morning sunshine hope ur having a good day so far. if not let me know if there's something I can do to make it better :)"

He hasn't sent me a text like that in so long.  It helped me believe that he really wants this.  He wants us to work.  Well, I got to his work, ordered my food, sat down and ate.  I just kind of chilled there for a while, letting him working and not bugging him. As I was thinking, "maybe I should go," he fixed himself a sandwich, sat with me and talked for a good, long while.  He told me about how awesome work was that day, how things were going with his new roommates, and other things.  I talked about work, my family, and what I've been up to lately.  He stayed there with me until he had to finish up things before his shift was over.  Something made me stay.  He didn't ask me to, but he asked what I was doing the rest of the day, to which I replied, "Nothing."  After he got off work, he followed my car over to the mall, and we walked around and talking, as I gave him the tour.  To think he's lived here over a year and never really taken a walk around the mall except for work purposes!

We sat for a few, he asked me why I came by his work, and I had to be honest and tell him that it was really just to see him.  Then, he decided to take me to a Chinese restaurant for dinner.  The thing I love most about spending time with D is how much of a goof I can be when I'm around him.  He shakes his head and makes fun of me, but I'm never embarrassed.  I can tell it's one of the reasons he likes me as much as he does.  Who else would he have to laugh at?

The Chinese restaurant was beautiful in decor, and made me feel underdressed in my hoodie and jeans. There was a little white bridge over a small koi pond with a fountain.  The light fixtures looked like each translucent tile had been hand-painted with a different flower on each one.  This wasn't the buffet-style place like we're all used to.  This is one of those normal restaurants where you order from a server and they bring you the food.  D and his "sophisticated" palate for American Chinese Restaurants (which he got by living in the Chicago area most of his life) deemed this place the best in Indy for Chinese food.

Once we were finished with dinner, he proceeded to take me to AutoZone. I know what you're thinking, "SL, why in the world would he take you to there? Was he getting something for his car?"  Actually, he noticed that one of my brake lights was out on my car and took it upon himself to fix it.  I told him he didn't need to do that.  I could buy the bulb, and my dad could help me fix it when he replaces the headlight (the headlight got replaced tonight, in case you're wondering).  Still, D bought the bulb, took me back to my car, and changed the light right there in the mall parking lot.  What guy does that?  In my head, a guy that cares and will do that for you for the rest of your life.  Now, every time I turn on my turn signal or put on my brakes, I will think of how sweet it was of him to fix that light in the dark on a cold night.

Once the light was fixed, we made plans for him to come over to my apartment for a movie later that night.  He had to go home, charge his phone, and change out of his work clothes.  He showed up later that night, and we sat in my big chair together watching Gone In 60 Seconds.  He let me lay my head on his chest as he put his arm around me.  It's amazing to see how well we fit together.  I'm not comfortable with anyone else like I am with him.  I quietly giggled when he fell asleep during the movie like he almost always does.  I know it's creeperish of me to watch him when he sleeps, but he always just looks so peaceful.

That night is one of my favorites we've ever had together.  I hope for more nights like that one.  Frequency isn't an issue.  They don't have to happen all the time, but I like having that time with him.  I can tell he likes it too.  The way he hugged me before he left showed me that he cares.  I hope that I'm not being stupid.  I hope that giving him this chance won't backfire on me.  So far it hasn't.  He's texted me a lot today.  You'll get updates on this frequently, I promise.

This is Why I Should Always Keep Writing

Well, what a weird few weeks it has been!  So much and so little has happened... I should never stop writing. It gets me in all sorts of messes and makes me lose focus.

That same ex that I picked the scarf up from? Yeah, he and I have been trying out a friends with benefits (in the loosest sense of "benefits" you can think of).  It worked for a bit, but I kept hoping he would say he wanted to get back together.  That never happened, so tonight I got up the nerve to tell him that we couldn't talk anymore.  That I deserved a real effort from someone.  Of course to him, it was as though I'd cut off his arm.  He even begged me for another chance.  To prove that he really cares about me.  I may regret this, but I told him that if he was going to try and prove to me that he cares about me, he has to know that he wants a relationship with me in the near future.  We'll see what happens.

In the mean time, I've joined another online dating service.  I may be crazy for doing it, but we'll find out.  I've met a few nice guys, some only after certain things, but it's interesting all the different people you meet.  At least one ones on the site are closer to me... not that I'll be meeting a whole bunch right away.

Aside from that, my friend from out of town came for a visit.  It was so nice having him here for the weekend.  However we spent our time together, I enjoyed every second.  He's like my relationship cheerleader.  He tells me that I'll find what I'm looking for, and I'm starting to believe it.

Outside of relationships, work is awesome!! I absolutely love my job!  And fraternity stuff is picking up again, so I'll be off to Milwaukee on Friday! Spending quality time with my bros!!!

I know it sounds like I didn't say much. I don't really do that much, honestly.  If you have some words of wisdom, comment, question, whatever, feel free to comment.  Even if you feel like you have to be harsh with me, I can take it.  Life is tough.  The more opinions I have, the better.

Being Emotionally Dependent

It's been a few days, and things have gone exactly the way they should. The ex I mentioned is no longer in my life, and I'm keeping it that way. My roommate's love life has taken off, so we're going to be in a bit of a role reversal for a while. Yes, I'll still be talking to guys and looking for the right person, but it's never going to be like it was. It's going to take me a while before I fall hard for someone.
Funny story: not 10 minutes after I saw my ex for the last time to pick up my scarf from him, I got a text from a guy friend telling me how much he missed me. We will call him "M" for now. Well, M and I met at a conference out of town almost 2 years ago. We had an amazing night together the last night of the conference. Danced the night away and tried to sneak off, but my amazing friends wouldn't let me out of their sight. At the end of the night, we exchanged phone numbers and have been talking ever since. There has always been a high level of attraction in our friendship. We have gotten to know each other on a personal level through music and sports mostly.
Well, during my crazy 3-week period this late November/early December, he came for a visit. We had fun just like I knew we would, but there was something more. We were able to really open up to each other about our lives. After he went home, I didn't hear much from him until the other night. He told me that he thought about me a lot and wanted to be someone I could rely on. I am so thankful to have him for that! It's one of those things you don't expect someone to say, but when they do, it means the world to you. I'm trying to talk him in to another visit soon. I love having him here.
I know you're thinking, "SL, put the brakes on! Why do you constantly need to have a guy in your life?" Well, to be honest, I just don't do well on my own. I'm emotionally dependent in that department. It would do more harm than good for me to try and change. I am ok with the consequences of heartbreak and such.
To leave on some closing note, I'm excited to live my life in this state: rejoicing in the triumphs of others' relationships and enjoying what I can in my own life.

Loving the One That Doesnt Love You

Well, I don't even know what to think right now... The guy that I mentioned in my last post, the only other guy that I have loved, and I spent some time together Tuesday night. We did our usual Steak & Shake late night dinner. It was perfect. We sat there and talked for a while, exchanging work stories and such. It always feels right when I listen to him talk about work. I also love it when he asks what's going on at home with me and my friends. He ended up coming over to my apartment, and we watched a movie and fell asleep. Outside of that, nothing happened. He hugged me in the morning before he left, and I could tell he wanted to say something, but he wouldn't.
I spent the whole day wondering what he was thinking. To my shame, I only got out of bed for food and relieving myself. I felt caught. I felt like I was stuck waiting for him to figure out what he wanted. By the evening he texted me. Still, he wouldn't come out and tell me what he was feeling. All he could say was that he was stronger. I knew what that meant. The last time we spent the night together, he caved in and we went back to how things used to be. He let himself show me affection. Now, he's stronger. Now, he can withstand the urge to show affection.
I realize that he doesn't want us to rush in to things, but hiding how he feels from someone that loves him is a dumb move. It pushes me away to the point where I don't want a relationship. That's what I told him. He either needed to open up and start talking to me or let me move on without him. There is no middle ground where we can be friends. I've been hurting too much for that.
I feel like I did the last time we spent the night together: used, unwanted, and deserted. No more. No more letting guys, no matter how amazing they may be, walk all over me, talking me into things, and using my love against me. I'm moving forward this time. 2013 is a year of fresh starts!
Those words as I type them sound bitter, though. Still, if he were to really fight for me and our relationship, I'd try and make it work with him. I can't help it. I just love him. Maybe one day it'll get better.

The Only Other Guy

I know I just posted, but it has been brought to my attention that I've not given fair blog space to the one guy who could have taken my first love's place: my last ex. The first I ever met as a result of online dating. He was actually the only guy given my full attention when we were together. My first love did not seem to be as important to me. Yes, he was still my friend, but this particular guy made me believe I could have the relationship I always wanted. For 2 months, he gave me that. He and I had the most amazing moments I could ever hope for. There's no one else I ever stayed up with all night watching movies on our second date. There's no one else I wanted to spend every night next to. Our relationship was so fast and quick that we didn't have the chance to develop a friendship first. We both knew that we belonged together right then and there. I was caught off-guard by how quickly I fell in love with him. Though we drifted apart and parted (the darkest time in my life), I would go back to him if he asked me to. If he could promise me that I was important in some fashion to him, I would take him then and there. He and I finally talked about what our breakup was like for us, how we miss each other now, 3 months after our breakup. The difference between him and my first love: my first love was never keep-able. This one was and is and always will be the one I CAN have. There are no circumstances keeping us apart. If he could just stop being stubborn and give us one more chance, I would be the happiest girl in the whole entire universe.

New Year

It's one week into 2013, and I believe this will be an amazing year!!  I spent New Year's Eve with some of the most important people in my life.  Marcus, his "stable of whores" (my roommate, both of the Saras, and myself), and 2 of my dear fraternity brothers.  Of course one is my guy friend that is going through a rough time after a break up.  I worry that he's filling that void with me.  He ended up staying the night in my room with me.  Though there was no sex, there could have been.  I don't want that.  I feel that would ruin our friendship.  If I had been less drunk, I would've told his sober ass to go home, but an intoxicated SL needs someone to sleep with her.  To hold her, kiss her, and help her fall asleep.

Of course the next day was spent with my family for my grandpa's birthday.  It's tradition for our family to go down to my grandparents' house on the 1st.  We played games, talked, and ate the BEST homecooked meal in the world (Roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, salad, and cole slaw).  I love my family so so much!  They really care about each of us, and we can be honest with each other.

The rest of the week has been filled with work, a sense of pride in our home (cleaning), and just overall happiness.  I've been searching my feelings lately.  I've tried to figure out where I am and what I want.  I know my first love still has a hold on my heart, but so does the only ex that could ever take his place.  He keeps trying to be my friend, and I think I've decided that I'd rather have him in my life in some fashion than lose him altogether like my first love. Then there's the ex that won't leave me be.  He texted me this week and said he'd never give up on me.  I think me telling him that he was wasting his time made a bit of an impact.  I'm hoping that was enough for him to leave me be.

Lastly, I have the most amazing guy in my life right now.  Someone I met through online dating that became my friend instead of something more.  Well, after a few months of being friends, flirting here and there, and talking to each other about the people we'd been seeing or talking to I think we're at that point of needing each other for more than just friendship.  I've started to develop feelings for him that I didn't think I would have.  I worry with him being farther away that a real relationship won't be in the cards for us.  I guess it'll be something we find out.  I know he cares about me.  He's always told me how awesome I am.  And when I see him smile, it makes me smile too.  He likes me for who I am.  We have a lot in common, but not everything.  And we care about each other equally.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm glad to have someone in my life that cares about me and talks to me everyday without the commitment of a relationship, emotional or physical.

Well, I think that's all I have for today.  I'm ready to see what new things this year has in store.  Good luck to the rest of you out there in the new year! Let 2013 be the best one yet!